For generations, we’ve been taught that if you want to move a relationship forward, you have to follow a specific set of steps: Meet someone, fall in love, and eventually, move in together. Because moving in is a signal that the relationship is serious.
But a growing number of couples are opting out of that last step. Mike and Susan have been together for 23 years, but they’ve never lived together…and they don’t plan to.
This arrangement has a name: “living apart together” (or LAT), and it’s more common than you might think. Between 2000 and 2019, the number of married couples living separately rose by more than 25 percent. And it’s particularly popular with couples later in life, generally people in their 50s or 60s who are retired.
So if sharing a home is the ultimate sign of love and commitment, why are some couples deciding not to do it at all? And is living together actually the best model for every relationship? Or is it just the one we’ve normalized?
Read more about Living Apart Together:
- Vicki Larson’s book goes deeper into her personal story and includes more research on wider trends: LATitude: How You Can Make a Live Apart Together Relationship Work
- Hear about the myths around living apart together: The Learn to Love Podcast, “Living Apart Together With Vicki Larson”
- This New York Times article goes deeper into why this trend is particularly appealing to people later in life: Older singles have found a new way to partner up: Living apart
- The private “Apartners” facebook group for LAT couples that Mike and Susan mention in the video: Apartners (Living Apart Together) | Facebook
- A helpful article from AARP on how marriage is changing: Midlife marriage: Love it, leave it, or reinvent it
- A deeper dive published in Time on LAT relationships: How living apart together is changing long-term relationships
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