Don’t move in with your significant other without discussing these things first.
When it comes to major relationship milestones, moving in together is one of the most consequential. Cohabitation forces couples of any age to integrate their lives in perhaps more ways than marriage does. How will you navigate each other’s habits and routines? Who pays for which bill? How can you take time for yourself in an 800-square-foot apartment?
More people than ever before are living with a romantic partner. Over half of adults ages 18 to 44 have lived with a partner without being married. Among all age cohorts, those aged 25 to 34 were more likely to cohabitate, with 17 percent of those in that age group living with their partner. In 2022, 18 percent of first-time homebuyers were unmarried couples.
There are two paths to cohabitation, says Galena Rhoades, a research professor and director of the Family Research Center at the University of Denver: sliding and deciding. Couples who decide to move in have made a conscious commitment to spend their lives together. Those who slide into cohabitation do so based on external factors: your lease is ending, it’s cheaper to live together, they live closer to your job, you want to figure out if you want to be with this person long-term.
As a result, Rhoades says, there are some people who end up married simply because they already shared a home, not because they considered it deeply. This bears out in her research: Those who moved in together before getting engaged or married were more likely to be dissatisfied in their marriages or divorced. For this reason, Rhoades says, it’s crucial for couples to have a clear reason why they’re moving in and a plan for how a conjoined life will look, regardless of whether you want to get married.
Without a roadmap, couples contend with problems typical of dating — how much time you’ll spend together, dealing with each other’s families — in addition to the conflicts of marriage, like division of chores and finances. Whether or not marriage is important to you, this should be a considered decision. “You’re facing a number of potential areas of conflict,” Rhoades says, “and at a time when you’re not necessarily feeling more committed to this person.”
To ensure you’re firmly in the “deciding” camp of cohabitation, there are a number of conversations worth having with your partner about living together. From finances to housework, experts outline what you should consider before pooling your belongings.
The emotional realities of living with a significant other
If you ask couples how they came to live together, many people respond with “It just happened,” Rhoades says. However, this life change shouldn’t be taken quite so casually. When broaching the conversation about moving in, make sure you’re both on the same page about what it means, she continues. One partner might see cohabitation as a matter of convenience while the other considers it a step toward a committed life together. Have a conversation about your plans for the future, what significance moving in holds, and why living together seems like the natural next step in your relationship, Rhoades says.
Once you’ve both decided moving in together is what’s best for your relationship, you might feel overwhelmed with emotion: excited, nervous, stressed. Experiencing anxiety about this life change is common, says psychotherapist Israa Nasir. “We are meant to feel anxious when things are changing,” she says, “because change is uncertain.”
Nerves aren’t a sign from the universe that you’re making a bad decision. But you should get to the root of why you’re feeling skittish, Nasir says. Are you embarrassed about using the bathroom in front of your partner? Are you worried about living with your significant other’s children? Bring up any concerns with your partner so you don’t construct stories in your head based on what you think might happen.
Other emotional considerations worth discussing center around conflict. Once you’re living with someone, there may be more opportunities for arguments — and fewer places to go to cool off. Lay ground rules for how you’ll let your partner know you’re upset with them, says psychotherapist Alexia McLeod, and how you hope to communicate during the inevitable fight. How long will you step away from an argument before communicating with a clearer perspective? Neither one of you may perfectly adhere to these boundaries when emotions are high, but at least you have an ideal to strive toward.
Logistical considerations to keep in mind before moving in
Aside from determining your “why” for cohabitating, you’ll need to answer some logistical questions like “where?” and “how?” Ideally, you’ll want to move into a place neither of you have previously lived in; it’s neutral ground. For many people, that may not be feasible due to established homeownership or a volatile rental market that makes moving into someone’s space preferable. Whether your significant other is moving into your home or vice versa, think of it as creating new space together, Nasir says. “It’s really unfair to say yeah, let’s move in together,” she says, “but you can’t keep this here and you can’t do that here.” Move the furniture around to best suit your combined belongings and to refresh the space.
If your late spouse previously lived in the home, make a plan with your current partner for how much of your spouse’s belongings or pictures will be in the house, says relationship coach Abel Keogh. “I have some clients that are okay with maybe a few photos being out,” he says, “but I have some clients that don’t want any photos. They don’t want any traces of the person.” Similarly, be clear with how much of an ex’s belongings or presence you’re comfortable with. Don’t be afraid to bring up how you’re bothered by your partner holding on to some of their ex’s clothing. It shows you’re serious about making the living arrangement comfortable for everyone.
Aside from the physical space, how you spend time within it is worth discussing. If you’ve spent many years living alone or with another partner, moving in with a new person (and potentially their children) — with unique routines and quirks — may take some getting used to, Keogh says. In addition to talking about finances and chores (more on that later), have a conversation about adjusting to one another’s habits, including how much alone time you expect. What does time spent alone look like for you? Is it recharging in a room by yourself for a few hours or are you satisfied by spending time in silence next to your partner? By setting an expectation of how (and how often) you like to be alone, Nasir says, your partner won’t assume you’re mad at them if you don’t want to hang out all the time.
Financial discussions are necessary when moving in with a significant other
Whether you plan on opening a joint bank account or not, sharing a home with someone requires frank conversations about money — something couples don’t often do, says financial therapist Stephanie Zepeda. You’ll want to make sure you and your partner are on the same page with money. What is each of your relationships with money? Maybe you have a “live for today” mindset and your partner prefers to squirrel their money away. Maybe your significant other makes much more than you. Maybe you have a lot of credit card debt.
Based on these considerations, discuss what the financial expectations in your shared home will be. Will you split the rent evenly or will the person who makes more take on a larger share? Who will pay for which utilities? Whatever breakdown you come to should be realistic for the person making less money, Nasir says. “If you at $250,000 [salary] can afford a $5,000 apartment,” she says, “and me at $60,000 can only afford a $900 apartment, you can’t force me to upgrade and pay most of my salary towards rent.”
To ensure the household doesn’t fall into financial precarity, Zepeda suggests making a planned budget. At the start of the lease or year, make a list of all of your planned expenses and create a system for tracking. Apps like YNAB and Honeydue can help you set a budget and track your spending.
It’s also helpful to talk about your future financial goals with one another, Zepeda says. Just like partners enter into a fitness routine together, you both might discuss your financial goals, too — and how you’ll help each other reach them. If your dream is to pay down your debt (yes, you should be telling your live-in partner about any debt you owe, Zepeda says), how can you both make adjustments to your living expenses to allow you to put extra money to put toward the debt? “Talking about your hopes and dreams and what you want to do in life and what you think the purpose of life is,” Zepeda says, “is a beautiful way to inspire the budget.”
When it comes to combining assets, Zepeda suggests holding off until you’ve had a discussion with your partner about long-term commitment (engagement, marriage, or staying with each other for the long haul). “Even then, I know some folks who, for either practical reasons or emotional reasons, still don’t merge bank accounts,” she says.
Have a plan for whatever assets you do bring into the relationship. If you’re intending to move into your partner’s home and you’re a homeowner yourself, will you rent your property or sell it? Where will the money from the sale go? If you’re living in someone else’s home, are you comfortable putting equity into a house you don’t own? “I had one couple who each owned a home and they were dating,” Zepeda says. “She sold her home and moved in with him. But then she put that money from the sale of the home into an interest-accruing account.” Both parties felt sufficiently supported, she says.
But if you do, say, purchase a home together or open a joint bank account, be sure to clearly define each of your financial roles, Zepeda says. Who will be the person responsible for paying bills or setting up autopay? Who will handle tax preparation? Who will track joint spending? “Deciding what brand of ketchup to buy is also a financial role,” she says. “Am I going to buy the store brand or am I going to buy the name brand of ketchup?” Be clear with the split of financial duties so it doesn’t all become one person’s responsibility.
Division of labor in the household is always negotiable
Heterosexual couples easily fall into established gender roles with women spending more time on housework than men. Just like with financial roles, clearly define what chores you each will be responsible for. First, discuss each of your cleanliness expectations: We won’t go to bed with dishes in the sink, we’ll deep clean the house once a week. Then, assign the daily, weekly, and monthly chores based on each person’s — including children — interest and bandwidth. For people with busy daily schedules, perhaps they can handle the weekly maintenance and the person who works fewer hours manages day-to-day responsibilities.
If your schedule changes and, say, going food shopping is no longer easy to accommodate, you can (and should) always renegotiate household tasks.
Make plans for the worst
While it may seem counterintuitive to think about breaking up during an exciting period of your relationship, making plans for worst-case scenarios ensures you won’t be left in the lurch if it does. You don’t need to have a concrete exit strategy, Nasir says, but you may want to keep a savings account only you have access to.
If you don’t have plans to get married, McLeod suggests drafting a “contract” of how you’ll divide furniture, pets, and any other shared item in the event of a split. For those who will marry, experts say a prenuptial agreement is worth considering. “I don’t think many people go into a relationship or living situation hoping that it deteriorates,” McLeod says, “but it’s good to have a plan set aside and maybe even discussed, so that there’s this clarity.”
In the event one of you may need to act as caretaker for the other, as in the case of illness or aging, you’ll want to clearly outline what you are and aren’t comfortable with, Keogh says. “My older clients, maybe some of them have lost a spouse to cancer,” he says. “Do you want to go through this again?” Communicate what level of caretaking you can reasonably give should your partner get sick. Be clear with what you expect of them if the roles are reversed.
Moving in with a significant other is so much more than a change of address. While conflict is inevitable in any relationship, if you take time to align on crucial realities before crossing the threshold, you’ll increase your chances of residential bliss.
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